Why wanting to be a popular leader is selfish

Why wanting to be a popular leader is selfishWhy wanting to be a popular leader is selfishPatrick Lencionia CEO, a leadership consultant, and the author of 11 books which have sold over 5 million copies around the world. His writing on management and organizational health has been featured in theWall Street Journal,USA Today,Harvard Business Review, and more. He recently sat down withRyan Hawkon theLearning Leader Showto discuss how to become the cultural change you wish to see inthe office, and why the best leaders are elendlage always the most popular.This conversation has been edited and condensed. To listen to the full version,click here.Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moreRyanWhat must a great leader do?PatrickTheres a lot of leaders who carry a preconceived notion of why they want to become a leader, and if they have that notion, theyre never going to create a healthy organiza tion, because theyre not going to want to do what leaders must do. Its the concept of, Is this a reward or a responsibility? Say a guy becomes an NFL player- do they go, Wow, I finally made it to the NFL. Thats the end of a lot of hard work, and now I get to live the life, or do they go, Im going to have to work my butt off, because this is a huge responsibility? The difference between those two mindsets is everything.The question is Do you think your life is about to get harder, or easier? Some leaders go, Okay, now that Im the CEO, I have to sign up for all the hard things. I have to have a difficult conversation with people. I have to go to meetings that I dont want to be at, and make them great. I have to do unpleasant things for the good of the organization. Whereas half of them, or more, say, Hey, I dont have to do any of that stuff anymore. I can skip that now, because Im in charge. Nobodys going to make me.But you cannot afford to avoid discomfort. Being a leader is uncomfor table. Every day, youre going to do things that you would rather not. When people go into a job and say, Boy, I want to avoid discomfort. I want to go home at night feeling comfortable and relaxed, rather than tired for having stepped into the void- if youre not willing to enter the danger as a leader- your organization is going to unravel.I think that has to do with telling people things that they might not want to hear, but its in their best interest, and the best interest of the organization. They may not like you, and when you say that, they may not appreciate it- they might even be frustrated at you. And you have to have the security and self-confidence to say, I did what welches right for them, even if it makes me feel kind of bad right now.RyanI think of the best coaches, leaders, and managers Ive ever worked for, and there were moments when I definitely disliked them, and I felt like they were overly hard on me. I think specifically of my high school football coach- other th an my dad, hes the best coach Ive ever played for. And the reason is because he believed there was so much more potential in me, way more than I thought I had. He believed, and I started believing him. He pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and when I made mistakes, he was super hard on me. He made it very uncomfortable on a daily basis. I would even score six touchdowns in a game, set a school record, and we would talk about the fact that I made a couple of mistakes. He was very hard on me, but it was what I needed.So I think about all the coaches, all the leaders, and I love him the most- even though I might have hated him at times- because he got the most out of me.PatrickThe best coaches, the best teachers, were the ones that were kind of tough I cant believe he assigned this I cant believe shes making me do this And at the end of the semester, youre like, I learned a ton, and Im going to be better for it.RyanYouve said that the best manager you ever had was Sally. What was so great about her?PatrickShe demanded a lot of me, and did push me in a slightly unreasonable way, but she was a very kind person, even though in the moment, sometimes it was like, Oh my gosh, what are you doing? As a result of that, I became more than I thought I could, because she saw that potential in me.She put my well-being and my wertzuwachs ahead of her own popularity. You see this in teachers and coaches- theyre like, I want to be the most-liked coach. So they tell people what they want to hear, but it just doesnt work out.RyanThat reminds me of this story Kim Scott told me aboutSteve Jobs and Jony Ive.They were designing something, and Steve came in and spoke to Jony and his team, and he berated them. He killed them, and when he and Jony walked out of the meeting room, Jony said, Steve, what are you doing? You cant do that. Theyre going to be upset.I used to be the kind of person who didnt push. I wanted people to like me . . . But one day I realized that I was being selfish- I wa s putting my feelings, and my reputation, ahead of their best interest.And Steve said, What are you doing? Its your responsibility to give them that feedback. You did a bad job. Jony said, Well, they need to like me, and Steve said, You are so vain. You just want to be liked, and thats not whats best for them in the long term.That being said, I dont agree with every aspect of Steve Jobs- his creative genius allowed him to do some things that we should not emulate. People think you can just berate people all the time, but thats not caring for people.PatrickYeah, you have to purify your intentions in the moment, and be intentional about it.RyanRight, and I think you earn a little bit of respect through being competent. My high school coach earned that ability to be very direct, because he was the smartest person in the room by a mile, and he also prepared more than anyone Id ever seen in my life.Ive also had bad bosses, who were lazy and incompetent, and had not earned the right to tr eat me that way. So you have to have a high level of competence, and show that youre working and preparing yourself to have earned the ability to lead in that manner.PatrickAbsolutely. I loved the part about Steve Jobs saying, Youre so vain. Because I used to be the kind of person who didnt push. I wanted people to like me, and I used to think I did that for their benefit. But one day I realized that I was being selfish- I was putting my feelings, and my reputation, ahead of their best interest. I know this even as a parent- I love when my kids love me, but sometimes I have to say to them, Youre going to do this, and even if youre pissed at me, its going to be good for you.RyanRecently Ive been talking with a number ofgreat writers like Dan Coyle who have written about culture.What are some of the keys to building the culture that you want?PatrickI think what it comes down to is this Leaders have to be very intentional about the behaviors they want from people, because culture lives in the behaviors of people. And more than anything else, they have to be brutally intolerant of behavior that violates that culture.So if you want a culture, identify the behaviors you want, and live them at the top. Its impossible for them not to take root.Chick-fil-A has an extraordinary culture. When I go there and talk to their executives, heres what happens If Im sitting down to eat, Ill be talking to somebody, and Ill turn around, and one of the senior executives is clearing my plate. I was there for a meeting recently, and before I left for the airport, one of the owners goes and gets a tasche full of apples, oranges, bananas, and granola bars, and says, Hey, Pat. I noticed that you didnt get a chance to eat very much. You could take this on the plane It will be a good snack for you.Hes that down-to-earth, humble, and caring. When theyre clearing your plate and asking about your family, they dont need to say anything else. People watch their behavior, and it permeates the wh ole place. So many companies put posters on the wall, and then the executives are like, Yeah, we dont have to do that. People know it, and it becomes empty.So if you want culture, identify the behaviors you want, and live them at the top. Its impossible for them not to take root.RyanRight now Im teaming up with people who have this great culture at a place called Brixey and Meyer. Doug Meyer was recently stopped at the grocery store, and the person who stopped him said, Hey Doug, I empty the trash for your building. Doug spent 20 minutes in the grocery store thanking her, and talking to her, and asking questions about her, and being genuinely curious about what her life is like. Shes not even an employee of the company- shes just hired to take out the trash. That embodies leadership at the top. Hes living the culture.And that is not just a soft skill- its a necessary ingredient to long-term, sustained excellence. That doesnt mean that you dont make mistakes, or that you havent done stupid things from time to time. But that is how cultures get built- by genuinely caring about other people.This article first appeared on Heleo.com.